The tide of emotions pulls me in deeper.
Each pound of my heart is a wave begging to be released,
But, my tears must stay in the faltering dam.
Too many people are around to bear witness to my weaknesses,
Yet false smiles light up the crowd around me.
So, I wonder--
Does everyone have a fake persona?
I did this as a free write, so vocabulary suggestions are gratefully accepted =)
I think I understand the emotions that you're trying to convey, but if you're going to go the the ocean type theme, you might want to re-write. For example:
ReplyDeleteKicking harder and harder,
The tide of emotions only pull me in deeper.
With each pound of my heart they threaten to be released,
But I beg my tears to stay in the shallow tide pools,
Too many people are around to bear witness to my weakness,
Yet false smiles swim in the sea of faces.
So, I wonder-
Does everyone have a fake persona?
I don't know if that helps at all. I really like the idea and for a freewrite it's awesome (much better than any of mine). And I absolutely adore this line: "Too many people are around to bear witness to my weaknesses." The sound and meaning of the line is just wonderful!
Nicely done, Miss Sugar. :)
Sugar, I can pound as many 10 dollar words as you want me to in there, but agreeing fully with lily's statement I rest by saying, "Beautiful."
ReplyDeleteThank you guys =D
ReplyDelete